she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize