If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
