is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
