just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
