I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
