I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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