Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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