Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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