Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
