I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
