the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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