It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
