There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
