I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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