He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
