I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize