I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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