i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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