your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
