I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Of course I have a pirate flag
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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