its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
