If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
