absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
