So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i need an iv and a liver transplant
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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