I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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