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we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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