now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
