do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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