now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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