Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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