I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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