There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
