I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
she peed on how many people?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize