Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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