I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
