If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
