So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
