I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
