it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
