The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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