New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
it glows. i had to have it.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
