ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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