Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
