Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
