Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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