She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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