We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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