I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
