I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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