I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
