So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
