I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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