Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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