the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
