I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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