my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
