Swine flu. Run for my life!
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
