dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
