I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
