my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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